Belonging isn’t automatically granted except by birth. Even then, in some families, there’s a huge power and control dynamic that keeps some members out and others in.
Belonging is granted after a stepmother has been through the fire. After she’s dipped her hands in the molten rage of a marriage dissolved and walked on the coals of everyone’s grief and longing and leftover anger. Of course, you’d think she’d anticipate this gauntlet but that would be giving her superhuman powers. As far as I know, most stepmothers are mere mortals destined to live as the other mortals do in her extended stepfamily.
Today, I’m thinking of tribes and groups and clubs and PTAs and even gangs. Always there is a period of getting to know one another. Then there’s an initiation act, do something really huge and you’ll be accepted as part of the group. After the initiation, there will be still more observation and waiting to see if it’s really true who you are. Then, after more time goes by, you might get to a place where you realize it feels as if you’ve been in this group forever.
The point is, the process takes time. Years. Likely, it’ll take the 7-12 years that the experts suggest for a stepmother (with or without children of her own) to be integrated into her new family.
What is interesting is that the moment of awareness of that integration isn’t a victory. It isn’t about the stepmother winning and someone else losing, or even about everyone winning. It is simply another phase of the process that is just what it is, not good or bad or negative or positive.
One day you don’t belong.
Another day you do.
I don’t think that day has come yet for me!
Jill, looking back, I don’t think I could have predicted when the moment would come or even have known what it would look like. It was very subtle and the vaguest change of feeling. I don’t think anyone else has noticed either, we are all still going through our motions in our daily way. Looking forward, I’m certain I’ll feel times when I don’t belong. But, I feel sure the moment will be a fleeting thing and will settle soon enough.
Happy New Year!
I am a brand new stepmother. My husband I married in October 2011. I have been reflecting a lot on the holidays just passed and have been trying to broaden my perspective on all the dynamics that come into play during that time and my interpretations and experiences. I am so grateful to have my new stepfamily but I have to admit it has been an isolating experience in many ways. I discovered your blog today and read your posts with a very hungry appetite! It was overwhelming in a way to read your words and feel some of that isolation slip away. I have to admit, I had a little cry I was so releived that someone else can relate to my experiences and feelings and that they are o.k.
This 2012 I am going to work on embracing the process and focus less on outcomes and how things “should” be
I look forward to more words of wisdom.
Lindsay, overwhelming is a good word. It seems like it has a large enough volume to hold the enormity of feeling that comes with “being of, but not.” Welcome to this blog. Be sure to read the 10 Essentials, it’s way back in December 2009, the first month of this blog.
And, all the best to you as you find your way.